First off, I have to say this: I never am able to make interesting journal entries about recent events that have happened in my life. I take my hat off to those who do have sufficient quantities of fabulous things to talk about, but that's not me. I think I've always been more of a watcher than a doer anyway.

That said, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the path my life's been taking. I'm fine with my job, my marriage, my friends...all good. But I feel (and some might want to disagree - feel free) that I'm not living up to my full intellectual potential. It could be that I'm just a bit (ok, a LOT) sensitive about the fact that I couldn't go to college owing to a nasty upheaval in my life at 16. I've been on my own since then. It wasn't easy, and it meant that my late teens turned out to be more about survival than about education. I wasn't happy about it then, and it just seems to get more and more under my skin as I get older. I see people heading to college/uni and I try not to think "that could have been me" but it's a comment that comes out.

I did make it to a two year tech school for electronics, but that turned out to be a wasted effort owing to the fact that I never took a job in that field. I didn't want to be a repairman or a circuitboard stuffer. I'd hoped for something better in that field, but those were the only jobs I got offered. So I went on to other jobs just hoping I'd find one that I could be comfortable in. And I have. Working in the medical field is a good fit for me. I can at least have some pride in the product we sell, because they're saving/improving lives and I think I'm appreciated there. But still the fact remains that I want more.

More what, you ask? More knowledge. I want to know more about classic literature, more about philosophy, more about history, maybe even learn to speak French...so I'm toying with the idea of taking online courses. If I can afford them/find the time. At the very least I would like to find some good books to read/study. If anyone has suggestions for me I would greatly appreciate them.

So much in life has always seemed like filler to me. Food. Sex. Sports. They all have been placed in that category at one time or another. Education, though, has always been something that I put pretty high up. Something that I desired, needed, almost lusted after. Not to have gone to college is my one regret, though I can't blame anyone for it. I suppose I could have struggled through with maximum effort and minimal grades. But I didn't see a career coming out of my interests and I really needed a job before anything else.

So now, at 41, I still have the desire. I'm planning on looking for schools online. Or books. Trying to change my life to accomodate time for learning is gonna be tough whatever decision I make. I used to simply want to find a sense of self, but I think meditation has seen to that. The last year has given me some incredible insights and I'm grateful for that. But I feel that I can't accurately describe those things due to my lack of further education.

So there...that's what I wanted to say. I'm hoping to pursue some form of higher education, whether it be college or a self-driven program of reading as much as I can. I didn't think I would be pursuing this. Ever. I just hope I can pull it off. Wish me luck. Any advice will help. Thanks for reading.